11 May 2011

if you don't have anything nice to say...

While it's true that the US has many problems that are shared globally,  there are times when even a grumpy left-swinging liberal curmudgeon has to admit that it's great to be an American.  Whether stifling journalists for criticizing their leaders, or the forced indoctrination of youth, we Americans don't have to worry about the ordeals citizens of other countries have to face.  No, we live in the country of the free - freedom of the press, and freedom of ideas.

So today should be a day of celebration of the wonderful and benevolent USA.   As an example of how loving and kind we are, look to the State of Wisconsin (WI).  The WI legislature has made an epic decision in the assembly to expand the voucher program.  This singular decision extends freedom to more people - the freedom to choose. "MPS is broken - it's broken," intoned an impassioned Jeff Fitzgerald, the Assembly Speaker and quite a skilled whip.

"I think the idea of giving more choice to parents should be an easy sell to our caucus," pleaded Robin Vos, in a retro-dark blue suit with a aqua-maroon tie.

The vote fell strictly along party lines.  "Those damned liberals have got to start voting the right way," said Philip Smooch, a local Madison tea party mascot.  As Mr. Smooch explains his position, he is adorned in the costume of a "regimental officer from the Continental army, circa 1809."  He's decked out in the lavish colors that make his bluish-green eyes sparkle and his plush buttocks percolate with the sheer joy of being a gun-toting conservative right-winger all the while bubbling in the blue coat with red trim.  Mr. Smooch goes on to explains that "marriage is between one man and one woman; we won that fight in this state alreadyGod hates fags."  Mr. Smooch's knee-highs are as cute as punch on his chubby but strong-looking calves.  "It's the lefties that are ruining this country," he exclaimed.  "They're driving us into a hole - a deep, deep hole.  It's time we start rising up instead of lagging behind."

Most of the God-fearing, God-loving Christians in this great country know the chances of being thrown into a soviet gulag are waning.  Today an ever more imminent threat comes from the Islamic fascists who are attacking us simply for our great passionate embrace of freedom and liberty.  "Romans 1:30 says 'They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents.' We are faced with ever more sin.  Pray that the Lord Jesus will save us," intoned Mary Montera.  "Pray to Jesus because judgment day is coming." And the attacks could come from anywhere, but especially from public schools, homosexual marriages, and abortion clinics.

It is with this clear plan for the future that the religious have converged on capitol buildings all around this great country opining our rights to freedom to carry, freedom from taxes, freedom from abortion, freedom from public education and public sector employment - "those freeloading bastards getting rich on the public dole" - and freedom of expression.  "The second amendment gives us our protection; our forefathers predicted the fight against Satan would be constant," Mr. Smooch went on.  He along with many Republican heroes are hoping the current WI legislature will pass the concealed carry bill, expand the voucher program, cut the earned income credit, and cease funding of planned parenthood's abortion crazed maniacally twisted physicians.

Why of all the days of the year should May 11th be selected?  Well it's obvious.  First, 11 is a good number - two ones together snugly and it's May, for goodness sakes, it's May.  So, petition your legislators that it should be declared that May 11 should be heralded as a new holiday - US of A day.  US of A day is not like July 4, that's when we celebrate independence from England.  No US of A Day is the day we celebrate freedom and the joy of living in the greatest country born under God's will.

One last necessary selling point.  All good holidays have catchy slogans - Merry Xmas, Happy Easter,  Valentine's Day - Linin' 'em up, puttin' 'em down, Good Friday - it's not just a day off, etc.  It's time to announce our slogan for US of A Day: if you can't find something good to say about the US of A, don't say anything at all or just get the hell out.

It's been suggested that's a little too long - so how about - U-S-A, no room for gays, Right? Or, USA we make the poor pay.

There could also be a theme song that is played.  Randy Newman surely wouldn't mind lending his tune to this spiritual cause: 
America, America step out into the light.  You're the best dream man has ever dreamed, and may all your Christmases be white.

And then there are the outfits.  It's a bet that the Republican caucus can come up with some great dress/costume ideas. It's time to get Sir Reinhold Reince Priebus working on this - get something accomplished that praises our great nation for once.  Viva Ronald Reagan!

What do you think?  Have you got any ideas for the slogan for this great new holiday, US of A Day?  If it isn't May 11 should it be November 11? 
Read more about Republican slogans:  Slogans for US of A Day

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